Who robbed Rashard Mendenhall?

Pittsburgh Steelers rookie RB Rashard Mendenhall was robbed at gunpoint early Monday morning in South Chicago, near the Lakefront. I had no idea Hillary Clinton's campaign was that hard-up for cash.

Who robbed Rashard? Blogimore fingers a few suspects:

Mike Brown: Since taking over the reins of the Bengals in 1991, Cincinnati's team owner has enjoyed one of the worst records in all of professional sports. It's been terrible, and Brown can't even take credit for being the guy in charge during the advent of the Ickey Shuffle, which predates his power by a few years, and which clearly has been the best thing to come out of Cincy since... ever.


The only thing coming out of Cincy these days are mugshots, which is why Brown is playing the role of stick-up kid. To build chemistry with his troops. And also possibly to get extra spinach so that he can rework Ocho's contract. Ironically, none of the reasons that Brown might rob Rashard have anything to do with increasing Cincy's chances of winning. Mike Brown fears change. Especially positive change.

Ocho Cinco (speaking in third-person): "Dude's gotta get paid, ya feel me? Ocho Cinco wanna cop some of these fresh new kicks, yo, and that shiz don't come cheap, son. They like a full grip, maybe more. Plus he might have to get 'em redone in Eagles green if Mike Brown don't come correct. Where my coin at, Mikey? Where my coin at?!"


Mike Mayock: After spending months telling the world that Mendenhall will better than Darren McFadden, Mayock might have gone "Falling Down" on us, upset at the fact that Mendenhall power-dropped to the bottom of the first round. Or perhaps he's looking for a scapegoat when McFadden turns out to be the better pro. Nah. With Pittsburgh's offensive line, and with Willie Parker in the backfield, you know Mendenhall will put up numbers. Mayock knows it, too. Regardless, Mayock's obsession with Mendenhall puts him squarely in the crosshairs of speculation. Love makes you do funny things.

Ray Lewis: Just kidding. Ray would never hurt anyone. Plus he's already rich as hell. And even if Ray Ray did want to rob Mendenhall, he wouldn't use a ski mask. He's Ray Lewis. He would take that shiz like it was fourth-grade lunch money.

Kosuke Fukudome: Already popular on the North Side, Fukudome doesn't understand yet that it's not important to also be popular on the South Side. But he's stubborn like that, and to be popular on the South Side requires that Fukudome up his street cred. Hopefully he doesn't start wearing Kanye-tight Polos. That won't help his case. Hanging out with Weezy might, but he'd have to go to New Orleans for that, and there isn't much baseball in New Orleans. Mostly just drinking and topless women. Be careful, Cubs fans, you're about five strands of beads and a few Hurricanes away from losing your franchise player.